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VIDEO VIDEO: Svetlana Loboda - "Be My Valentine"

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I'm sure we'd all do anything for love, but I don't think there is much that this anti-crisis girl wouldn't do!.

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Eurovision is no stranger to love songs, from the passionate ballads that make us fly on the wings of love, to the more sensual and deliciously erotic songs that empassion us from the East in every way that they can. That being said, there is no real equation for how to make a good, run of the mill love song, leaving room for, lets call them "experiments". These are love songs to the max, of course singing about love, but the kind of love you would find in love dungeon or someone with boundary issues. Svetlana Loboda and her fiesty little entry could be described as both. Ukraine tend to make an effort, and dear me does it show when they go all out like they did in 2009. Be My Valentine won with the largest amount of votes in their national final (who knew the Ukrainians liked a little bit of kink) and went straight to the final in Russia, earning an overall placing of 12th. A fair scoring, I can't exactly see Svetlana come last.

Vulgar and tasteless wordplay aside, did Svetlana get the 12points jury hot and bothered, or just leave us in a cold sweat?

Song/Lyrics: 8/12

Where do I start? To call this song sexy is an understatement, it is literally BDSM physicalised on stage, and Svetlana certainly isn't submissive. Nevertheless, it sounds like the song was written by a horny teenager who thinks that every word has to rhyme. The guy who did write it, whose name won't be said because it is longer than the song itself, must have either spent his songwriting time trailing a dictionary and couldn't be bothered to look at any more words that rhymed, or spent more time on planning the performane and what bondage wear he wanted Svetlana to wear. Shame there was no anti-crisis girl stopping him from putting pen to paper.

Don't get me wrong, I really do like the song. It stood out, springing forth from the trousers of a ballad-filled Eurovision final (although I am sure it took someone's eye out), and it certainly got me moving (not like that, thank you very much). The only problem is that they would have had to put a restricted rating on the screen for 3 minutes whilst Svetlana and her Lady Gaga style entourage did their thing on stage. I wouldn't say tone the song down, but maybe wear a condom next time and make the lyrics a little less crude and a little more cool. And maybe think of better ways to fill out a lyric than just adding "Bom". It turned into an "aBOMination".

Performance: 10/12

Oh Ukraine, understated as always. Whoever thought up this performance was either sexually frustrated or turned out to be Verka Seduchka. It is something you would probably find if Paul Oscar and Dana International had a party. I don't even know what to start with, the tin foil monsters acting as back up singers, the shirtless dancers who didn't have a lot of money at the fancy dress store or the fact the looked like an X-rated version of flashdance. It was so absurd, but it worked! You couldnt take your eyes off it for a single minute (be it a good thing or a bad thing) and there was always something extra to find in this very weird ensemble. I can't really imagine what it all represents; if this is someone's sexual fantasy or their way of getting someone into bed then I can see why it's not working. I am very intrigued how the mechanisms in the middle of the stage came about, or as Svetlana calls it, "The Hell Machine". I can't imagine why...

But seriously, I applaud whoever chose the gladiator outfits for the back up dancers. They could be my valentine whenever they wanted, although maybe tone down the dancing, I wouldn't want them to break anything. I was surprsied Svetlana was still in one piece and not just steam at the end of her performance.

Choreography (Including Hair-ography and Arm-ography): 9/12

Svetlana must be light as a feather after all that flipping! She was like a sultry, sex obsessed pancake. The boots she wore must have taken up about a quarter of her weight, if not her entire legs. There really is no better way to keep in shape then tossing a Ukranian dominatrix around whilst she sings about sex, but they must be handy when moving house, that drum kit moved with ease. The wacky nature of the performance just complimented everything, there didn't need to be a routine, just choreographed gyrations and grinds. Who needs twerking when you have pole dancing in the middle of a rotating cog. In all seriousness, my hat does go off to Svetlana being able to hold herself up like a true pro. Her breath control, her posture, and even through all those lifts she still sung with ease. You can certainly tell she has had practice, and not that sort of practice. Then again, I can imagine some of her previous partners ending up in casts after a night of passion.

Key Change Effectiveness: 6/12

And once again we are back to a lack of key change. Svetlana's vocals weren't exactly up to scratch, and at some points she lost her notes and couldn't sustain a lot of belting. You could almost say she had something stuck in her throat.

I think if they put a little less emphasis on what she looked like and her ability to get her leg over, and more on the quality of the song and her voice, they may have placed a little higher in the final. There should be a happy medium between the two, and sometimes a little bit of dignity and subtlty is a lot better than whacking it out and waving it in your face.

The performance I mean, not Svetlana or her back-up dancers.

Camp Factor: 11/12

As said before, this was a screaming orgasm of a performance! Whether or not we can class it as camp is unclear but anyone with such a fetish for shiny material and moving metal deserves at least some credit. Plus it was quite ingenious to add a drum solo, I can't see that being done again but it worked in such a crazy way! But I do feel bad for those gladiators pining over her and being dominated over, I am tempted to call animal control or whoever you would call for mistreatment of pets.

Total: 44/60: This wasn't exactly Ukraine's crowning eurovision entry, but I guess you could class the few years after Ruslana as "the student years", a hormonal and experimental period after Ukraine discovered their potential. First Verka, now Svetlana, they took risks, and although it didn't really pay off, it went out with a bondage clad, sex mad bang. This is one anti-crisis girl who definitely knew how to stir things up, because she is so crazy!




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